sometimes, you work so hard to get something that you want. and then god slams the door shut in your face and says, no this is not what i want for you. you crumble and don’t know where to go anymore. you don’t see other open doors. you feel like you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. you crumble to the ground and cry.

and then you go to god. you pray and ask him, “what’s going on? what do you want me to do now?” and you wait. for an answer. for him to turn your head to an open door. for him to get someone to push you and lead you to the door that he opened for you. and then, you realise that god’s been watching out for you all along, that this is way better than that door you almost walked into. and you praise and thank god.

yes, this has happened before. remember at psle when you thought you were hopeless? when you felt like such a failure for not making it into your dream school? and then you went to ny and realised that you could never have been happy in rg anyway. remember when you got rejected from the eleven medical schools? you were devastated and felt that maybe god didn’t even want you to do medicine. all drive for university was lost. and then you got accepted into uwa. a beautiful place, with a great learning environment, and most importantly, somewhere that you can be surrounded by god-loving people.

so now? when you think that you just didn’t make the cut for being the significant other to him? when you think that maybe god doesn’t want you to ever get married and are so scared of that possibility of being alone? when you start to question whether god truly cares what you feel?

remember this: god loves you. god’s plans are better than yours. god works for the good of those who love him. focus on whether or not you truly love him. put him first in everything that you do. love him more than anything else in this world. you’re never going to be alone because god is always with you. jesus is your first love and the only love you know for sure will never end. 

make the best of where you are now. you used to spend hours talking to him, now spend those hours talking to god. rebuild that relationship with god. become that proverbs 31 woman. become that god-loving woman you’ve always wanted to be. and if it is god’s will, a god-loving man will notice you for your love for god, and pursue you. and you will truly have that god-centered relationship you’ve always wanted to have, where you know the guy will lead you well because he will always look to god for direction. and that direction will also be where you want to go towards.

how worth it was it? to have so greatly twisted a good friendship into this? i don’t know why i’d ever want to do it again.

when you were the person i’d stayed closest to for the longest time. 

nobody ever stays. maybe that’s God’s way of preparing me for a lifetime of only having Him to count on.

after weeks, months, of saying “i don’t know”, i’m finally going to admit it - i do know.

i know, that i’m putting my hope in something that isn’t likely to work out. i know, that it isn’t wise for me to hold on. i know, that i need to love God and trust Him more than i am doing, right now. i know, that i just lack the courage. i know, that i have been taking things into my own hands. i know, that there cannot be a compromise on my part.

i want you, and i want my faith. and i suppose that’s too much to ask for… right?

so many questions you already know the answers to, maybe it’s time to stop waiting for him to say otherwise.

what an awful, awful, test of faith this is.

I’m the pathetic one this morning.

You have an exam and one hour of sleep less because of me.

Just want you to know that I’m sorry…. for all it’s worth. and i feel like shit.

No, you’re human. 

It’s natural ;)

you’re pathetic.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 

i’ve always known this was true, but i guess i just hoped i’d be able to avoid it. i thought i’d protected myself, but apparently it wasn’t enough to not feel this way.

lessons learnt:

1. love others more than yourself
2. serve with joy
3. be more patient
4. you are not the one in control
5. trust me

above all, Jesus be the center of my life. 

you know what, God? i trust You know what’s best, and i trust that You will direct me in the path that You want me to take. i acknowledge that this situation is beyond my control, and Lord, You do what You want. 

i suppose at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter, as long as You are still my God. thank You for helping me to realize that.